Dear Ian

This morning around 6:20 am you snuggled close to me and put both of your chubby, soft baby arms around my neck. Your skin is still so soft and chubby and baby-like and I know soon it won't be this way and I will miss it dearly. You snuggled close, warm and soft, and it was one of the best ways to wake up ever.

And you woke up giggly and laughing too. I don't want to trade those minutes for the world. I smile now, just thinking about the moment.

I have to work, you have to go to daycare -- or playschool as you like to call it -- and with my now longer drive to work I spend less time with you than I would like. Mornings are a rush of getting dressed and beating the traffic and evening are squeezing in dinner and baths and books. So I squeeze in the moments that I can, when I can and this is one that will keep me going when the rest of life gets hectic.

The day will come when you don't want to hug me or kiss me because you will be growing up. So because of that, I savor today. I savor the soft, quiet moments in the early hours of the morning when the regular day has not yet hit us, when we are half asleep and fuzzy with dreams, and we can simply enjoy a quiet ten minutes together before we both have to face the day in our separate directions.

Happy Birthday, Baby Boy

(yes, this post is late. is anyone really surprised?)

Ian, you turned 2. How is it that you have been in my life, out of my womb, for that long already?

You grow and change so much each day. You still love biscuits and beans and blueberries and now we can add bacon to that list. Your favorite songs are Baby Bumblebee and Baa-Baa Black Sheep.* You love to take baths but hate to have your hair washed. Just recently you have become such a fan of trucks and trains.

When you were first born you were a carbon copy of your father, and now you are starting to look a little bit like me. Some facial expressions that you make remind me of photos taken when I was about 3 years old.

You never fail to say unexpected things that make me laugh. For your birthday you received a Leap Frog compuer. This, along with the Elmo camera, are your two constant companions right now. The computer says "Hi, Ian" when you turn it on. For a few days you just said "hi" in response. The other day, just after your bath you turned it on. "Hi, Ian" it said to you. "Hi. Mommy just cleaned my booty" you told the computer.

You play more independently now and will often sing or read your books to yourself. Going to bed is easier some nights and you tell us when you are ready to "rock a baby." You want to climb into the car yourself and often flop in like a fish and wiggle until you get where you need to go. Climbing is a favorite activity and you have no fear. I almost forgot --you love slides. We go to the park and you can wear us out.

Though you can severely frustrate me with your terrible twos, I love that I have you. I love wrestling in the floor with you and catching you reading to yourself. I love tickling your belly and making you giggle. I love the earnest expressions you have and that you finally want to walk and hold my hand.

Right now I am still one of your favorite people. I know that as you grow up (so quickly) that will begin to change. I'm going to hold on to your tiny, warm baby self as long as I can.

You will always be my baby boy.
Love,
Mama

*As I re-read this prior to posting I realized the alliteration going on in your life. I wonder what that means.

Frogs and Snails and Puppy Dog Tails

Dear Ian,

You have been a challenge to me this week. Not for anything particular, just in general. Perhaps the stars are out of alignment or the world is tilted wrong on its axis. I guess it happens to all of us now and again.

You are now 18 months old. Your vocabulary is vast and you talk all the time. You are starting to put together short sentences: Where Dada go? Sit down Pawpaw. Dada at home. You comprehend even more than you can say.

One of my favorite things in the world is coming to pick you up at the end of the day. Especially when I walk in the door to your classroom and it takes you several moments to realize I am there. I get to observe you as your own being, separate and apart from me in the world. And then when you see me, you light up and call out Mama, or more recently Mommy, and hurry over for a hug. You know we need to get your cup and your sheet before we can leave.

You aren't ready to potty train but you are getting close. You are becoming very self-aware in this area. I admit that I would love for you to be ready for this but I certainly don't want to rush you. I know that would end in disaster.

I really like that you are finally sitting down with me long enough to actual read a book. You like to sit next to me on the couch and go through the book with me slowly. You even have some of the words down in the pattern to Sandra Boynton's The Barnyard Dance. I can almost say that one perfectly without the book in front of me.

Keep growing and learning, little boy. You teach me so much.

Dance and Sing and Torture the Cat

Dear Ian,

You are growing up so fast and wanting to be independent. Every day it seems that you add new words to your vocabulary: socks, cereal, circle, bag, snack, more, shot, mine, row-row, itsy, open, close, up are just a few of the most recent.

At first you hated moving up to the toddler room at school and now you are loving it. You want to walk yourself in at the beginning of the day and walk out to the car by yourself at the end of the day.

We have a new game that we play. You invented it. It's the night-night game. You will go and get one of your blankets and hand it to one of us. Then you will say night-night and go lay down on a blanket, stuffed toy, or even the cat (!) and we are to come and cover you with the blanket. The cat often looks scared now when he sees you heading directly at him.

You love to dance. To the music your toys play or to the songs that you ask us to sing. Row Row Row Your Boat and the Itsy Bitsy Spider are current favorites. You try and make all the hand motions along with the Itsy Bitsy Spider.

When someone says "adios" you reply with bye-bye. They are trying to teach words and phrases in different languages at school. You know where your toes, nose, hair and mouth are. You struggle a little with ears still.

The other day you told grandma's cat "no, no kitty-cat" when you thought he was going to eat your blueberries.

I love that giddly little feeling I get in my stomach when you say a new word. They are so cute and sweet and I know that I will miss these first little milestones as you get older.

Dear Ian

Dear Ian,

You are still obsessed with blueberries. You do not like it when the bowl is empty. I must say that lots of blueberries make for an interesting diaper. Bunny grahams and cereal bars are other favorites. You don't really like meat but will eat bread and fruit all day long.

You can say "school" and "shoe", or at least mostly say them. I know what you mean and so does your daddy. The ladies at school tell me that you can say "outside" but you have yet to repeat that one for me. "Clack-clack" is code for diaper changes and/or when you are going to the bathroom. I think that you are beginning that association.

You still don't like shoes. You have started to stay up later at night, but still get up at the same time in the morning. Mommy doesn't like that.

You know where your belly button is (that's a great game we with play with you) and you know where your nose is. You are hit or miss on eyes, ears and mouth, but you get them mostly right.

You still only have 3 teeth. 2 bottom and one fang on the top. You are starting to give kisses that aren't just bites though not always.

You slipped into helpless giggles last night when I said "whoa" after you pooted on my hand as you were trying to get out of the bathtub. Then all I had to do was say "whoa" and you would dissolve into giggles.

You love to be outside and play. You are wanting to walk more than be carried when we are out and about so we end up chasing you around, which is a wonderful game to you.

You love to open and close to the cabinets in the kitchens and bathrooms so we have had to rearrange some things and keep you from getting into them. You also like to help us close the refrigerator door and turn off the lights.

You even, sometimes, walk yourself into your room when we ask you if it is time for night-night and you are ready to sleep.

Asleep In Arms

Dear Ian,

Today I watched you fall asleep in your grandmother's arms. You had refused to take a nap at school today. When you do that you try to stay as busy as possible to stay awake. You had a large banana and 3 mandarin oranges for dinner!

It's a tradition that we go over to grandma's house every Friday after I pick you up from school. Often your Aunt Rebecca joins us and we all have dinner and catch up on the week. We went outside so grandma and aunt Becca could smoke and so you could have some fresh air as you really like to be outside.

You became fussy and clumsy, sure signs you are getting sleepy. I bounced you on my knees for some time and then grandma took over. I watched your eyes slowly close. I watched your little red cheeks soften and flush, not only with heat, but with the softness of baby sleep.

I looked at my mother holding you and realized the fragility of life, of family relations. My mother, your grandma, is 70 years old. It is possible that she will not see you graduate high school. It is possible that you may not remember much of her. That makes me sad to think. I hope that she will be around, and cognizant, to see you grow into a young man.

Because you may not remember, and because I want to remember, I took a few pictures. I only had my cell phone with me and your grandma hates to have her picture taken so these aren't the best pictures, but at least I have them. I know that I can look back at the photo and remember the moment, remember how full my heart was looking at the two of you.

Dear Ian:

Your baby skin is so soft. Yesterday, as I was feeding you breakfast, I stroked your little cheek and was struck at how soft and smooth your skin is. You had just woken up and your cheeks were still flushed from sleep. Then I had to look at and touch your fat little wrists and your fat litte feet. Even your cute little baby butt is dimply but so soft to the touch.
As you grow, I will miss your chubby little baby parts and cuddling your soft baby skin. I wish I could capture the feeling of touch in a jar so that I can relive the softness of your baby self even when you are twenty.